Monday, May 17, 2010

yadda yadda yadda

Blah blah blah. I need a break from staring at my business law notes so I am going to come and ramble... sound good? yes I thought so.

So yes... oh to the thoughts because we all know I can't speak unless I number things...

#1- That final I took last night. Worst. Experience. Of. My. Life. And I think its bad because I know I made STUPID mistakes. I mean it was hard but I just did stupid stuff, and I can't figure out what was wrong. Like I didn't even take the test the same way that I normally take tests. I think he psyched me out for it last week, and I had so much pressure on myself to do well in the class, and there was other pressure too.. but I don't feel like sharing that stuff with the whole world. I don't I feel like I was just really psyched out and then I got nervous and then one of the problems was hard, and I couldn't get my cash flow to work, and I felt like I was running out of time, and it was late, and I was stressed and it was just bad, bad, bad. I seriously thought that I was going to cry. Like I missed whole words. Like seriously... how do you miss whole words....  I don't know but it was bad.

#2- On a positive note, I am pretty sure that Golden Doodles are the most adorable dogs in the entire world and I just want to pick them up and love on them. The problem with them though? They get so BIG! I can't do big dogs, I need a little thing that I can carry around and pick up when it decides to get prissy with me. You can't just pick up 100lb dog when he won't listen to you.... or a 65lb dog who won't go in his crate because his mother spoils him... believe me.. I've tried the later,... also impossible.

#3 I dont remember the last time I saw or spoke to my fiance for more than like.. 30 minutes. Bad.....

#4 I feel like I've worked my butt off for the last two years and somehow within the last week or two everything that I worked so hard for has fallen to pieces around me.  For example... I haven't been to the gym in a week.. why? Because I literally couldn't find the time. I'm afraid I'll fall into a nasty rut and never get back to the gym. And then I'll look gross again.... because we all know how awesome my eating habits are.

#5- Sometimes I wish I had like... an invention. Because there are things that I want to "talk" about but either, I don't have the right person to talk to them about, I don't want to actually say them out loud, or I want to say them but I don't want proof that I've ever said them or thought them. Even on here I censor myself because I put this out there for everyone to read, but I don't necessarily wanting those people to know all my thoughts.... and then there are some people who even if you did talk to them about things... they're just not the right person to talk to. Like if I was really upset about how awful my dog was behaving (this isn't something I'd actually censor myself on....) I'm not going to talk to my friend who I love, but knows nothing about animals because... they won't be of any help. And then there are other things that I'm like Gah I would love to get this off my chest, but I don't want to tell anyone and I don't want to write it down because even if I locked it away in box with a lock and a key it is possible that someday someone would find it... and sometimes you just don't want your thoughts and emotions held against you. I don't know. I feel like I have this problem a lot though. I don't know... maybe I'm just not comfortable with people enough to tell them things too even though they could be helpful.

#6- I have so many neuroses. I have this problem where I think something is going to happen and even if it is completely illogical to "want" something to happen, I will it to happen so I could just get it over with. For example, if I just had a feeling that tomorrow I was going to wake up and get hit by a commit... I would just like sit around waiting for it to happen- and I would just sit there, wishing it would happen already so I could get on with my life until either a) it happened or b) something happened that proved to be it wouldn't happen. Referring to point #5- something like that's going on right now and I'd love to tell someone I just feel like I don't have anyone to tell.

#7- I am being ridiculously long winded tonight- I'm sorry I truly do apologize.

#8- I often find myself wishing that people had instant understanding. Like if I told someone I was allergic to peanuts (I'm not) they'd instantly understand how much it might suck (or rock... obvi that doesn't apply to the peanuts example), and all the ramifications is has on my life, and everything I might know about it. I just hate explaining things sometime- ironic because of #5.

#9- I always have this weird irrational fear that I am going to completely sleep through a final even though it might be at like 5 in the afternoon. I have no idea why.... Although it might have something to do with that time I woke up 10  minutes into a test... but that kind of beside the point because not only did I take/finish the whole test,... I also worried about that before that happened to me.

#10- Oh, oh my god. Last night when I went to get something at the gas station... The cashier was the creepiest guy in the world.... ever. Pretty sure. I literally got the hee-bee jee-bees from him....